Friday, January 22, 2010

Defining relationships

It has been said to me, "Don't let your relationships define you."

My response to that is, well, of course not.  But in the end, what does that statement even mean?  Am I sure I haven't done that?  How can one be "defined" by a relationship?  It doesn't make much sense to me.  Does it mean "I am now 'girlfriend'" or "I am now 'wife'" as opposed to "I am Krista?"  I guess being defined by a relationship implies a certain level of self-anonymity; if you don't know who you are, you decide who you are based on who you're with.  You take on roles.  "Girlfriend."  "Wife."  It implies that you are nothing until you're something to someone else.

There's the rub, though.  I tend to agree with that last bit.  But I still don't think I am defined by relationships.

In my opinion, if you don't mean anything to anyone else, then you're pretty much nothing.  I put no value in self just for self's sake.  Yeah, sure, enjoy things by yourself, do all the good things inside your head that you want to, but if a tree falls in the forest... well, you know the old adage.  If you never touch anyone's life, it's pretty much like you didn't exist.  I don't think that has anything to do with defining yourself.  You can be perfectly aquatinted with your schmucky self and still be a big fat zero to the rest of the world.  In fact, if you're a schmuck, that's not going to change if you're someone's girlfriend as well.  Congratulations, someone is blind enough to think they care about you for right now, but you still suck monkey balls as a human being.

If you're so lost in the world that you're willing to do anything to be anyone, well... that's interesting, but it's a shame.  Is that what is meant by letting relationships defining you?  People who haven't discovered who they are past puberty are pretty much hopeless in my opinion.  Am I the only person in the world that developed introspection between the ages of 2 and 4??  I remember realizing how certain things made me feel and understanding why I might feel that way even as I was learning to walk.  I solidly knew who I was by the time I was in elementary school, knew what might change inside of me as I grew older and why, and after that there was just boredom, waiting for the rest of life to catch up with me.

I must see relationships completely differently than everyone else.  Maybe others learn things about themselves by being with people.  I don't tend to.  I'm me.  I just observe other people coming and going, and occasionally find people that I very much enjoy interacting with.  Being a girlfriend is not a role to me.  It's merely a statement to everyone else.  In my eyes, the line between just casually seeing someone and being their girlfriend lies only within how much they want to be with you and vice versa.  If you realize you love a girl and want to spend as much time exploring this love as you can, and they seem to feel the same way about you, then you should call them your girlfriend.  The rest of the world will understand what this statement means.  If you realize that this feeling is unlikely to change, and you'd really like this person around for the rest of your life, then you should propose and call them your wife.  Again.  Simply a statement of permanent affection, but not a role.

My point is, I am forever Krista, no matter if I'm alone, or if someone has decided that maybe Krista is one of a kind and they simply can't let her get away.  I am forever Krista, always have been, and always will be.  I do not mourn the loss of a title.  The only thing I ever have to get over is when Krista doesn't seem to be good enough to want to keep around.  I can only be me, but if me isn't what you want, that's a hard thing to realize.  It's not that I can't stand to be me all alone again.  It's that I can't stand not being good enough.

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